Going Through the Motions
by Lucyh95
Summary: A collection of short stories: Being a kid is tough—especially when you're actually a sixteen-year-old. [Ongoing]
1. Chapter 1: Tell Me

**Going Through the Motions - Tell Me**

* * *

"Oi, Kudo."

"Mh?"

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"No, don't be like that."

A short silence hung between them.

Hattori crossed his arms, gazing down at his friend. "Tell me."

But Kudo did not turn toward him, only gave him a short glance before turning back, staring at an invisible spot far away. Mouth firmly closed. _This guy was sometimes too stubborn for his own good._

The lights blinked on, casting their surroundings in a pale and yellow radiance; it was already getting dark, the gray and murky daytime of fall making a place for the upcoming twilight. And it was getting colder too. Hattori shivered, burying himself a little deeper into the warmth of his jacket and sighed. He turned his head to stare at the shiny lights of cars in the distance. They were currently at some deserted playground.

Next to him, Kudo gave a deep sigh and leaned back, bringing up a hand to remove the glasses from his nose and draped an arm over his eyes.

And Hattori waited calmly for his friend to say something.


	2. Chapter 2: Homework

**Going Through the Motions - Homework**

* * *

He stood before his teacher, who currently was gazing down at him with a stern look over her too-small glasses—like he was some snotty first-grader. He nearly laughed at that thought. Because, of course, he was currently exactly that in the eyes of most people around him.

"Conan-kun?"

_Argh, damn, what a drag._

He should answer her, and soon—come up with some clever but bullshitting excuse of why he hadn't done his homework. Again.

Lately, he hadn't felt like doing that anymore. It was just an endless cycle. Sorry if he didn't feel like doing exercises that he already was able to solve easily ten years ago. _What a fucking nuisance._

He sighed inwardly, looking up and finding the gaze of his teacher, who was still waiting on his explanation.

Shinichi was barely able to force the small, apologizing smile on his face that felt stretched out too far before answering her.

He was sick of that too.

_What a drag._


	3. Chapter 3: Bedtime

**Going Through the Motions - Bedtime**

* * *

"It's bedtime, Conan-kun."

He groaned inwardly, though his face betrayed nothing of his annoyance, it was not her, it was all on him, she was only doing what she was supposed to do; looking out for a six-year-old brat. _She would be a great mother._ The thought just floated up out of nowhere. He shook his head, cheeks burning, cursing himself silently. _No thinking about that, stupid._

It was still light outside, birds chirping. It was _way_ too early for a sixteen-year-old highschooler to go to bed. Except, currently, most didn't see a sixteen-year-old. They saw a snotty brat with huge glasses, a first-grader, a child small enough to still have bedtime at 8pm.

_Heh. What a drag._

However, there was nothing he could do but to play his part. Conan was the character he had created to keep everyone safe—_to keep Ran safe._ It was his responsibility. His burden.

He heaved a deep sigh, pushing his glasses back onto his nose before opening his mouth to answer her in his high-pitched voice that had become so natural to him to use. His child-like act, it had become so familiar, it was like flipping a switch. And even though it was all part of his act—his responsibility, the effortless way that act seemed to come to him now after all these months;

Deep down, it terrified him.


	4. Chapter 4: Children

**Going Through the Motions - Children**

* * *

The children were loud. Loud and annoying.

_'Can you all just shut up for a second?'_ That was what he wanted to say. But of course, he wouldn't, they were children, after all. Brats, who were curious, about everything and everyone. Who cried after they scraped their knee. For who not getting the toy they wanted was one of the biggest problems in the world.

Shinichi shook his head. He was not being fair. His friends were actually surprisingly mature for a good amount of time, even if they brought him headaches from time to time. And they were still children, after all. He couldn't blame them.

_You're one too, right._

Well yeah, to the outside world, he was as much as a kid as them.

However, right now, they were being very bothersome.

He'd just wanted to read some case files he'd snatched when no one had been looking. He'd just wanted some rest, some peace of mind, some time to get away from the worries that were constantly close to the surface.

Haibara was not helping at all. From the corner of his eye, he could see her silently grinning at him. _Damn her._ But it was probably his own fault for making fun of her the other day. _Damn him and his big mouth._

"Conaannn..."

He sighed, putting down the papers he'd been trying to pay attention to, briefly closing his eyes.

He was tired.

"Okayyy, I'm coming!"

And there were just too many reasons he could list why.


	5. Chapter 5: A Distant Dream

**Going Through the Motions - A distant dream**

* * *

He awoke with a startle, his muddled mind for a moment trying to decipher where he was and what was going on before it dawned on him;

_Argh, damn it. No._

He cursed under his breath and closed his eyes for a moment, shutting out the faint silhouettes of the surroundings of his bedroom, trying to breathe through the throbbing sensation that was currently traveling through his body. He gripped his blanket tightly, knuckles going white, cheeks heating, shifting awkwardly.

He despised this. He was in a child's body for crying out loud. But a child's body or not; his mind was still that of a sixteen-year-old teenager, after all.

These moments were a grim reminder of that fact.

Perhaps that was why his body was behaving as if all those hormones were still running through it. But he honestly didn't want to study it too closely. Because it was just— _wrong_. It felt not right.

_Just forget. Take control._

Shinichi sighed, lay back down, and closed his eyes once more. He had to calm down.

So he lay there, in the dark, heart racing, trying to forget the faint traces of a distant dream.

_Trying to forget the memory of the sweet taste on his lips._

_Damn him._


	6. Chapter 6: A Children's menu

**Going Through the Motions - A Children's Menu**

* * *

"Here you go."

A friendly voice pulled him out of his thoughts, and an object was shoved into his face.

He frowned at it. _It was a children's menu_. Of course, it was. He should know by now that that would happen every time they would go out to eat.

It still annoyed him. A children's menu... really... _it was laughable._


	7. Chapter 7: Nightmare

**Going Through the Motions - Nightmare**

* * *

The nightmare had been bad—_waking up with a scream on his lips and a sweat-drenched t-shirt bad._

The bathroom mirror reflected his reflection in the pale, ghostly bathroom light. He looked old, despite his too-young face. He _felt_ old. And he was not the only one; he saw it in Haibara, the tiredness, the exhaustion.

_"How far are you with the antidote, Haibara."_

_"Be patient, Kudo-kun."_

_"Haibara—"_

_"Stop asking! I'll notify you when the new version is ready."_

_"Here, Haibara, drink this."_

_"Thank you, Kudo-kun."_

_"I'm tired."_

_"I know."_

_"Don't be too excited, this antidote will probably only last for the next eight hours."_

_"Idiot."_

He sighed, brushing some damp strands of hair out of his face and switched off the light with a click, plunging his surroundings in darkness. Shinichi shivered and quickly left the cold tiles of the bathroom behind, trying to shut out the traces of his nightmare, his small feet making no sound on the carpet.

_Death, red, and black._ It chased him. _They_ chased him. Followed him into the depths of sleep and back into awakeness. However, he would not let them win. He had sworn to protect everyone— to protect _her_— Ran. _Nails buried themselves into the palms of his too-small hands, but he didn't notice the pain. _That was his burden. That was his responsibility.

His act as Conan was proof of that. He would struggle forward, he would bring them down, without a doubt.


	8. Chapter 8: Just Really, Really Tired

**Going Through the Motions - Just Really, Really Tired**

* * *

It was cold, the chill was biting at his cheeks, the bench hard and uncomfortable beneath him. He deeply breathed in the autumn air before exhaling again, his breath clouding the air. He'd always liked autumn; the soft scent of mud, leaves, and rain. The view of rust-colored leaves on the ground, leaving behind bare trees. He shifted, eying his friend for a second before removing the damn glasses from his nose and draping an arm over his eyes.

At this moment, he was Shinichi. And no one else.

There was no need for his play of Conan right now.

_"Hattori...I'm... I'm just tired...yeah...that's just it."_


	9. Chapter 9: A Rainy Day

**Going Through the Motions - A Rainy Day**

* * *

It had been raining for days, the sky staying covered in grey clouds, the wind howling through the trees. Usually he didn't mind the rain, but lately, the gloominess outside had been weighing down on him.

He stared through the with droplets stained glass; the drops, they reminded him of tears. Tears of his loved one which he couldn't prevent from falling. No matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, he felt like he failed them, over and over and over again.

_What if... what if... what if..._

All his lies, all his bullshitting. All his excuses. They were piling up, and it was like there was no end to it; sometimes he was afraid he would never be able to get his body back— to be himself again.

These were the thoughts he didn't share with anyone, the feelings he buried deep within himself.

He heaved a sigh, his breath fogging up the cool glass, and he swiped a hand through his hair. _Ahh, damn, it's no use, sulking around like this._

Still, his limbs would not obey him to move.

"If you have the time to sit there and mope, you better make yourself useful while you're here." Haibara's voice pulled him from his gloomy brooding. He turned his head and watched as she came forward. She pushed a cup in his hands. "Here, drink up, it's hot chocolate, you like that, don't you." He gave her a smile, although it felt a little strained. "Thanks, Haibara." Then he turned his gaze back to the grey outside world.

She sat down next to him and eyed him for a moment, warming her hands on her cup.

She sighed.

"So, what's got you looking so miserable?"


	10. Chapter 10: A Sorrowful Face

**Going Through the Motions - A Sorrowful Face**

* * *

She had cried for a long while. And he hadn't been able to do anything but stand there and listen, listen while she clung to him, fingers gripping into the soft material of his shirt, in a desperate attempt to keep herself afloat amid her devastating whirlwind of emotions.

_Her sister..._

He turned his head slightly, watching her from the corner of his eye. She didn't notice his examination though, her gaze was directed outside, eyes tracing the cars that speeded along with them on the highway. It was already getting dark, the headlights of opposite cars illuminating the interior of their car. The windscreen wipers cleared the windshield, wiping away the tiny droplets of rain.

He had chosen to sit in the backseat to keep an eye on her, instead of the front seat. Before getting into the small, yellow car they had wrapped her up into a blanket. She probably normally would not have allowed such a thing, but she had been shivering and was visibly exhausted, the heavy emotions had taken their toll on her.

At the moment, they were on their way to the professor's house. Haibara needed to eat and sleep. And he—he needed to think. The guilt sat like a heavy stone in his stomach. This was probably the first time since meeting her that she had shown genuine emotion and not an act._ 'Acting, huh.'_ A voice whispered at the back of his mind. _'It's not like she's the only one, keeping up an appearance, deceiving others with a play.'_

_He was proof of that._

Shinichi swallowed, his throat felt dry. At the moment, he couldn't get that face full of sorrow out of his head, the image, it lingered and prodded, poking at him with one question;

_Why?_

_Why?_ He asked himself that quite enough, already.

And it probably would stay that way for a long, long time.

_It is my responsibility, my burden..._

_It's..._

He shook his head and shifted his gaze away from the red-headed girl next to him huddled in the old blanket and turned to look outside through the rain stained window.

The rainclouds high up colored the sky dark.


	11. Chapter 11: A Second Time

**Going Through the Motions - A Second Time**

* * *

_"Ow..."_ He winced at the uncomfortable feeling and put a hand to his mouth, his tongue going over his lower front teeth. It was really not fair. He had to go through this a _second_ time? He hadn't even considered it before, but now he thought about it, it was pretty straightforward. He was a six-year-old brat, after all. And six-year-olds, well, _they began to lose their baby teeth._

_Fantastic..._

He sighed, turned away from the mirror he'd been standing in front of, dropping down on a chair, suddenly feeling drained. This was so not funny. Yet, he couldn't help the laugh at the absurdity of it all. What a farce.

His laughter, it sounded a bit dry.

What should he do now? No way that anyone could find out. He could already picture Ran's face, full of tender sympathy. '_Losing your baby teeth, Conan-kun? What a big boy you're becoming! Growing so fast! Listen, if you put the teeth you lost under your pillow, the tooth fairy will maybe visit you.'_

He groaned, feeling the familiar headache coming up behind his eyes, and leaned back in the chair, closing his eyes.

_No way in hell he would let that happen._

However, he had seen it before; that tender—_motherly_ expression on her delicate face when she looked at him. He really, really didn't like that. She was his best friend—his _girlfriend_. Not his mother. But brooding about it would not get him anywhere, in the face of it all, this was nothing to complain about, perhaps he should ask Haibara, they were both stuck in the bodies of their younger selves, after all.

Both of them losing their baby teeth for a second time around. He made a face.

_Heh._

_What a pair they made._


	12. Chapter 12: Stupid

**Going Through the Motions — Stupid**

* * *

He staggered through the empty corridor. Nearly colliding into the wall when he almost tripped. _"Shit!"_ He cursed and winced. His voice was too loud, and his legs would not obey him. They seemed to have other plans tonight than to stay underneath him where they were helpful. He never knew walking could be such trouble. He laughed silently at that. God, he was just so stupid. It was his fault, after all. Why had he done this to himself? And this was not even the first time it had happened. Shinichi shook his head and winced once more when the world appeared to sway a bit. He had to lean against the wall in order not to lose his footing. Damn.

Then, he gave up on trying to make his way any further into the house. The hallway or his own damn room; what difference did it make, eh? He slid down till he was sitting on the dusty carpet, his back against the cold plaster, and he closed his eyes.

The darkness and silence; it was a relief.

He breathed in and out slowly. Concentrating on the steady rhythm of his heart, trying to shut out the uncomfortable throbbing of his head.

He was drunk.

He nearly laughed again. But if he did that, he would throw up. And perhaps that would make him feel better. Or maybe not. He didn't really care.

And it was stupid. Really.

He knew that getting wasted would not let him return to his old body. He _knew_, okay. _And yet—_

This time, there was no Haibara to drag him to the safe space that was his bed. There was no one to bring him water. Not that he wanted them to. That's why he had come here, hadn't he?

He sighed. Bringing up a hand to his forehead, gripping his hair.

It was just all so stupid.

_'Just look at yourself in this pitiful state. It's pathetic. Really.'_

And he knew, okay. He knew. _But—_

No. There was no logical reason for this. There was no excuse.

_It was just merely his own shameful weakness._

_'How pitiful.'_

To his horror, he felt the sudden sting of tears.

God, he was so drunk. He just wanted to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13: Lost and Found

**Going Through the Motions — Lost and Found**

* * *

_He looked back once more, eyes for a moment lingering on the face of the girl he cherished so much before leaving her behind, the door clicking shut behind him with a soft noise. What he felt was guilt. Guilt when looking at her smiling face. Guilt when lying. Guilt when leaving. Guilt when seeing the tears on her cheeks. Guilt when failing his loved ones once again. His mistakes, they piled up, one after another and with no end in sight. And he was tired. No— tired did not even begin to cover what he felt at the moment. However, whatever he felt, it didn't matter. He would be back. Ready to fight. Ready to struggle forward in this ridiculously small body that currently held him captive. He would be back, as always. And he would bring Them down. Without a doubt._

_Unconsciously, he balled his hands into fists, nails digging into his skin, before he opened them again, his arms hanging limp against his side._

_However..._

_He stared at the grey wall without even noticing it. _

_But..._

_His mind was roaming._

_But for now, for just only a little while... he needed some space—some time to breathe—a moment to charge._

_Yeah, right..._

_The alcohol had burned in his throat on the way down, but soon that feeling had faded. Vanished with everything else, until the only thing that was left was a gaping void. And it hurt. He had thought that maybe, just maybe, he would feel better, even if it was only for a little while. Just for a moment. But of course, he should have known better._

_'Hey, Shinichi...'_

_'Hey...'_

_'How much longer?'_

_He swayed, mind spinning, throwing out a hand to steady himself, the ground underneath his feet wobbling dangerously, his legs trembling._

_God, he was just so stupid. What had he been thinking? Had he really thought—had he really..._

_No... no, that was not right. Don't lie!_

_'How pathetic.'_

_He had not been thinking at all this time._

* * *

_'Hey, Shinichi?'_

_'Shinichi...?'_

From somewhere far away, someone was calling out to him—calling his name. His real name. Not some fake one. Therefore this was a dream, right? He had to be envisaging this and—

"Kudo-kun!"

_Eh?_

"Wha—?" He awoke with a startle, lurching forward and nearly toppling over in the process. He groaned. His head was killing him, and the taste in his mouth didn't help his nausea. God, what had happened? Wha—

"Kudo-kun!"

A voice, a voice was calling out his name.

He slowly opened his eyes, squinting against the bright light. Was it morning already? A redheaded girl came into view. He had to blink a few times. "Haibara?" His voice sounded like someone had sandpapered his vocal cords. He cringed. Not good.

The girl folded her arms across her chest and frowned. No. Certainly not good.

She finally spoke. "So here where you. Ran was worried, you know. With you disappearing like that."

_Ah. Right. He was—_

He lowered his gaze, his eyes resting on the dusty carpet beneath him, fingers gripping into the material.

He remembered. He remembered and—

_'It's pathetic. Really.'_

_'How pitiful.'_

_'Right.'_

"You look awful."

That made him look back up. And they stared at each other in silence before Haibara suddenly bent down, stretching out a hand, offering him the help to get up. Maybe in more ways than one. He shivered. He was cold. And he probably not only looked beyond awful. He felt it too.

_Damn_.

With a firm grip on his shoulder, she steered him into the kitchen and onto a chair. He was glad to be able to sit down again. His legs felt like they were ready to give out at any moment, even from that short walk to the kitchen. He grimaced. The hangover was real. Not that he could complain. He had known full well what he would get himself into beforehand.

Suddenly a blanket was pulled over his shoulders. He shivered again, clutching the soft material. He was freezing.

Shinichi watched as Haibara strolled through the kitchen, rummaging through various cupboards. He didn't try to think about anything. Just watching her was enough for his hurting brain. It was comforting, somehow.

"Here you go." Haibara's sudden voice jostled him from his daze. "Eh?" A steaming mug was placed before him on the table. And Haibara sat down across him, her own mug in her hand. "I've made you tea. Drink up."

_Oh._

He nodded carefully. His head just hurt too much to do anything more. "Thanks. Haibara."

She didn't ask. He didn't speak.

They drank their tea in silence. Each lost to their own thoughts.

* * *

_He winced and shifted, feeling the carpet underneath him, and trying and yet failing to find a somewhat comfortable position to sit in. Even the idea of getting up was simply too tiring. So he stayed as he was. He doubted his legs would work, anyway._

_He took a long breath, his lungs expanding, the slightly musty scent that hovered in the air prickling his nose, the chilly temperature covering his flesh in tiny goosebumps. He was alone right now. All alone in the dark and empty place that was his home. And his home? Ha, what a joke. No— this was Shinichi's house. Not his. Because of course right now he was— he was—_

_He let his head fall back against the wall, eyes wandering up to the shadowy ceiling that did not want to stay into focus._

_He only was pretending. Playing. Acting. Deceiving. Whatever you wanted to call it._

_He was running, even in his nightmares—trying with all his might. Trying to keep everyone protected. Protected, and far away. From Them._

_However, even the best athletes could run out of breath sometimes._

_He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, white spots dancing on his closed eyelids. He hated this. He fucking hated it all._

_He abruptly moved, leaning forward, letting his forehead rest on his bent knees. He sighed._

_And most of all—deep down—he loathed the person that was currently sitting on a filthy carpet in the lonely dark. His pride couldn't face it. Would normally not allow it. This._

_'Ha.'_

_'How pitiful.'_

_'How laughable.'_

_'How pathetic. Really.'_

_He didn't know how long he sat there, hunched over and silent, and feeling throughout miserable—utterly lost. Maybe it was the alcohol. Perhaps it was something else. No— it was certainly the latter for the most part, the alcohol only had lowered his defenses—the careful wall that he had put up for so long, and he would have to continue to do so—once he had reined everything back in._

_'For how long, Shinichi?'_

_'How much further?'_

_He shook his head, feeling the world spin around him, tasting the bitter tang of bile at the back of his throat. He didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think about anything right now. He sniffled and brought up a hand to wipe his nose. He was just miserable. Miserable, tired, and very, very drunk._

_God, he was just so pathetic, wasn't he?_

* * *

A/N: I know this chapter isn't really Christmassy, but Happy Holidays, everyone!


	14. Chapter 14: Not Forgotten

**Going Through the Motions — Not Forgotten**

* * *

_"Conan-kun!"_

The moment he stepped over the threshold, he was enveloped into a hug. The kind that made his cheeks flush hotly, and his heart pound in his chest.

She had been worried—_he_ had worried her. _Again_. And he kicked himself mentally.

What had he been thinking? Not much, that was clear. He had just blindly run away. Desperate for a moment of rest. A moment to breathe. He had been suffocating, the weight on his shoulders pressing him down. Clawing at him with sharp nails.

But he was back. It was alright now.

"I'm sorry, Ran-neechan. For worrying you." His voice was muffled against her shoulder. She held him a little more tightly.

"Don't do that again." A mixture of sadness and sternness. "Always tell me when you go over to someone else's house."

_Ah_. Haibara had already taken care of the story for him. He should thank her. _Again_.

Ran drew back, looking him into the eyes, studying him. She had really been bothered by his sudden disappearance. He'd usually tell her where he was going. Even if it annoyed him. He was not a kid! But, and he sighed inwardly, that was the problem, for the outside world, he was. To most, he was just a six-year-old brat with too-big glasses. It was annoying, but there was no other way. And it was the least he could do. So he nodded. The guilt he felt sitting as a stone in his stomach. He had made her worry. _Again_.

And he knew it would not be the last time it would happen.

_I will make it up to you, Ran. I promise._

He swallowed, her beautiful eyes were still searching his own. Probably looking for an answer. And some part of him wanted to avert his gaze from hers, the embarrassment making his insides clench. The hangover was still there, and once the medicine which Haibara had given him lost its effect, he would be back to being miserable. He already could feel the beginning of the too-familiar headache starting to form behind his eyes.

Well, it was his own fault. And alcohol he would not touch for the next—_well_, for probably a long, long time.

* * *

"Here, you almost forgot these."

He looked back over his shoulder to where she was standing. Her face bathing in the early morning light. In her hand, she held his glasses. _No, not his, but Conan's._ Yeah, that was right. He smiled, taking them from her. How could he have forgotten?

_He was Kudo Shinichi, after all._


	15. Chapter 15: Orange Juice

**Going Through the Motions - Orange Juice**

* * *

There was a problem. Not a huge one in the face of everything that was going one, but still.

He needed to go to the bathroom. Badly.

Damn him and his tiny kid bladder. It was all good and well when using the bathroom as an excuse to get away from whatever situation he found himself in that urged him to flee as quickly as possible like he had done so many times, but right now that he really needed to go, it was far less fun. He was not a kid but a grown man for fuck's sake!

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to concentrate on the other cars that speeded alongside them. They were on their way home from a case. A case that had involved, yes, you guessed it right, a lot of water.

Oh, the irony.

He could feel Haibara's eyes on him, but he tried to ignore her stare. Please, he really didn't need that smirk from her. He could already picture the look on her face. She would probably use this as revenge for last week when he made fun of her for—

"Kudo-kun," she hissed. "Something wrong?" He turned toward her, trying to keep a blank face. "What? No. Nothing's wrong." She eyed him suspiciously. "Really? You're sweating a little."

Damn it.

"N–no, really, I'm alright."

The look in her eyes told him that she didn't believe him, Haibara was sharp. And damn, did he just stutter? Talk about lame. How long had they to go on, anyway? He tried to concentrate on anything but his pressing need to go to the bathroom. But it was no use. When you don't want to think of something, your mind will go straight to said something. Even his great mind could not prevent that.

Damn, why had the case to be about water? Shit, no thinking about that, either. He shook his head, putting a hand to his forehead, his palm was suspiciously sweaty.

It was just no use, he had to ask how long they still had to go on in this damn car. And why seemed it that they were going so slow? Even on his skateboard, he would probably be faster than this.

"Ran-neechan?" He cringed. His childish voice was really acting up now due to his desperation. "Mh? What is it, Conan-kun?" The pretty girl turned her head to look at him, the question in her eyes. "Erm," he scratched his cheek, feeling them flush. "How long before we get home?"

"Probably an hour, or so." The deep voice of her father answered him.

An _hour_. A fucking hour. He would not survive that.

And he resented that too besides his too high voice; his too-small frame. It was just not right. Sometimes it felt like he had no control over his body, overlooked its limits, sometimes it just didn't _fit_. And it was especially in moments like these that he yearned for his old body. Strong and capable. Not weak and small like the one that held him captive right now. However, he had no choice but to make the best out of it. Like he had done so many times since he had shrunk to a snot-nosed brat.

He sighed inwardly. Better get it over with then.

"Can we stop, please? I really need to use the bathroom."

He really shouldn't have had that extra glass of orange juice.

* * *

Hello! I'm still alive, uni was just getting really busy (and still is aha).

All the mistakes are mine.


	16. Chapter 16: I'm Sorry

**Going Through the Motions - I'm Sorry**

* * *

The cold plastic of the phone burned in his palm, eyes on the dark sky above him. But he didn't see the tiny flakes of snow coming down. He didn't see the twinkling lights of the stars. He didn't feel the biting cold that was slowly seeping into his warm clothes.

Shinichi only felt a familiar pain. A pang of guilt.

It hurt to hear her chocked voice on the other end of the line. The tremble she was trying so hard to hide. She was sad, she was crying. Again. _Again because of him._

_"_I'm sorry, Ran. I'm sorry."

"I know— I know, but I can't—"

_'I'm sorry, Ran.'_

That apology again. Over an over and over.

And he was sick of it. The words left a bitter taste in his mouth. After all, what were those words still worth? He had used them so many times. Again and again and again. Lying, saying he was sorry, making promises he broke. Shinichi closed his eyes for a moment, knuckles whitening. Sometimes, deep down, he was scared—afraid he would become indifferent to it, to bullshitting himself though this living lie. The living lie that was Conan.

Sometimes when he looked in the mirror, he would stare at his reflection a tad too long. Visualizing what he looked like before. Without the glasses and the too-small face.

Sometimes he was amazed at how natural Conan had become to him. And that scared him too.

What if he would not able to return to his old body. What if he would forget himself. His real self. _What if—_

_"Shinichi?"_

Ran was calling out to him. How long had he been spacing out for?

"Ah, Ran, I have to go. I will call you soon. I promise."

He fumbled with his phone. The voice on the other end wanted to say something more, but he broke off the conversation. Plunging his surroundings into silence.

There he goes, making yet again another promise. When would it stop? When would _he_ stop?

He lowered the voice changer.

However, he knew; he couldn't stop. Not yet.

**000**

She had been crying. It was obvious. Red eyes, flushed cheeks. Even if she was trying to hide it from him. But he had to ask. He had to make it better, somehow. "Ran-neechan?" His childish voice sounded through the quiet kitchen. "Mh?" She looked up from the pan she'd been staring into mindlessly. "What is it, Conan-kun?"

The smile she gave him was strained. And it hurt. Her tears hurt him more than anything else.

He swallowed to wet his dry throat, couldn't quite look at her. "I'm sorry." The soft words were out of his mouth before he knew it. And they made him want to slam his head against the kitchen table. "Eh?" Surprised, she turned toward him, ladle still in one hand. And Shinichi couldn't help but fidget under her gaze, looking anywhere but at the beautiful girl, he loved so much. Her footsteps were soft on the kitchen tiles, and suddenly, a warm hand settled itself on his head. "Eh?" Now it was his turn to be surprised. She looked down at him, smiling and patting his head softly. "Thank you, Conan-kun. For trying to make me feel better. But you don't have to apologize. You have done nothing wrong, after all."

_'No! Don't!'_

_'I—'_

"But—"

"And." She was still looking at him, patting his dark hair, eyes searching. "You are sad, too, aren't you." It was not a question. "Eh?" He felt his cheeks heat up, and he had to look away. Was he sad? Was that what he felt? Well, maybe... Perhaps, he supposed he was. Just a little bit.

_Yeah... I'm sad..._

_I..._

_You know..._

_It's..._

_"..."_

**000**

_"You can tell me, Conan-kun."_

_"Ran-neechan. ...Shinichi-niichan is really sorry."_

_"...I know. I know he is."_

She smiled at him once more. Although the smile didn't reach her eyes.

_'I'm sorry, Ran. I'm sorry.'_

_'Wait for me.'_


	17. Chapter 17: Coffee

**Going Through the Motions - Coffee**

* * *

He sighed, staring down at his breakfast. It was not that he wasn't hungry enough to eat. He was just—tired. For a moment, he tried to fight back the yawn but then gave in to the temptation, tears springing to his eyes.

The problem was the coffee.

And not that there was a lack of it, but well, children were not allowed to drink coffee, were they? Once he'd tried to sneakily drink a cup, but he'd been found out. Like that one time with the alcohol, it had not been pretty. He winced at the memory; Ran had been angry. And she'd been watching him even more closely too. And that was precisely the opposite of what he wanted to achieve.

He couldn't help it that he was just the kind of person who needed coffee in the morning to wake up. He yawned again and stared groggily at his box of juice before him on the table. It was the sort of special fruit-drink for kids—with extra vitamines and some stupid and way too colorful picture plastered on the front. He muttered and pushed it away. He was a teenager for crying out loud!

Shinichi sighed, mindlessly stabbing his fork into his now cold fried eggs. He would have to pay the professor a visit and fetch a cup of coffee from there. Perhaps he also could get his hands on some of those chocolates. The professor had tried to hide them (but not well enough for Shinichi not to find them, of course). He shook his head, the poor man; Haibara was strict in maintaining his diet, after all.

He yawned for a third time.

Yeah, that sounded like a good plan.

**000**

_"Conan-kun?"_

_He turned toward Ran. "Yes, Ran-neechan?"_

_She stared down at him, frowning a little._

_"You didn't drink your juice again."_

_Oh. Right._

_He looked back at the table._

_Ran crossed her arms across her chest. "It's healthy. You need to drink it if you want to become a big boy."_

_He cringed inwardly. Stupid juice. Stupid small body._

_Shinichi turned back toward Ran, who was still looking at him with a slightly concerned expression on her face._

_He plastered a smile across his features._

_"Okaayy, Ran-neechan."_

_He gripped the cardboard box and downed it in one big gulp. He tried his best not to grimace._

_God, he really needed that cup of coffee._


	18. Chapter 18: A Bitter Flavor

**Going Through the Motions - A Bitter Flavor**

* * *

"Are you alright?"

The question pulled him from his roaming thoughts, and Shinichi looked up, meeting her studying gaze, fingers fastening the bowtie around his neck.

He swallowed. The material around his neck;_ it felt somehow a bit smothering._

"Kudo-kun?"

_Ah_.

He shook his head. "Yeah, yeah, I'm good."

She crossed her arms, fixing him with a stern gaze.

"Then go quickly now." Her gaze flickered to the door. "She's waiting."

He nodded, pushing the glasses onto his nose. "Yeah, I know."

Before he exited, he looked back once more and gave her a smile. At least, he hoped it was one, and that it wouldn't appear too strained.

"Thanks, Haibara."

And then he was gone, leaving the young girl behind.

**000**

Shinichi lay in the dark and silence of his room; curtains pulled shut, face pushed into his pillow, glasses forgotten on the nightstand, his blue blazer in a crumpled heap on the floor along with the red bowtie. He didn't want to think about anything, didn't want to move; he was exhausted. Yet, his mind wouldn't pause, his thoughts going around in an endless loop. He pushed his face a little deeper into the soft material, groaning softly, fingers gripping his blanket tightly till it nearly hurt.

Good, let it ache.

_The sweet flavor of the ice cream from the restaurant not long ago had turned bitter on his tongue._

He was so stupid, such an idiot. When he had walked by Ran's room to go to the bathroom, he'd heard it; the unmistaken sound of soft sobbing.

She was crying.

And it was no one's fault but his. _Again_.

_Her forced and small smile, the tears in her eyes—_

He had wanted to tell her how he felt, mustered up the courage to say it. He had wanted to say so many things, but—

But—

_Heh._

He couldn't stop the snicker, even while at the moment, there was nothing to laugh over. It was quite the opposite.

The hazy memory of Haibara's grim face, the cold tiles and bleak light of the restroom, the scorching pain that rippled through his shrinking body, his sharp desperation—

He was just so stupid. Had he thought it would be that easy? Had he believed that? Really? No. No, not really. Deep down, he had known; that it was far from over. Of course, he had known. But he had not wanted to listen to that little voice, telling him not to expect too much, telling him to be careful. Because the disappointment afterward would only be more bitter if he did.

Rolling onto his back, he sniffled, staring at the shadowy ceiling above him.

He would be lying if he said he didn't feel like crying himself.

And it wouldn't leave his mind; the expression on her face the moment he told her Shinichi had left her behind, once again. With nothing but some bullshit excuse.

He breathed out a long sigh, the heavy guilt sitting like a weight in his stomach, threatening to swallow him whole. It was all too familiar at this point; repeating, repeating, repeating.

_"Someday. I'll definitely return."_

_"Even if I die."_

_"That's why..."_

_"I...I want you to wait for me."_

Shinichi frowned, his own despairing words echoing through his mind, sinuses suddenly burning. And for a short moment, he pondered whether to give in to the building heat behind his eyes, but then he swallowed it back and away.

There was no time to wallow. That would come later.

Yeah, that's right. Because for the time being—

Sitting up slowly and muscles protesting, he twisted his fingers into the blanket in his grasp; he would make it right and would unravel the truth and take down the Organization. Shinichi leaned over and grabbed the glasses—Conan's glasses—they were his for now—and pushed them onto his nose.

He would get his old body back. He swallowed, fingers curling themselves into fists, nails burrowing into soft skin.

He would, without a doubt.

_He was the great detective, Kudo Shinichi, after all._

**000**

_Somewhere, in a deserted restroom, a young child, clad in a blue blazer and donning a red bowtie—probably no more than six years old—stepped forward toward the disheveled figure leaning against the wall. The boy in question, sitting slumped on the floor, back resting against the cold tiles and probably around a year of sixteen looked pale, even in the dim light of the restroom. His chest heaving with heavy gasps, sweat dripping down his temple, eyes closed._

_A small smile, perhaps colored with a bit of sorrow. Haibara reached up a hand to remove the too-large glasses from her face._

_"I'll be returning this to you. Edogawa-kun"_

* * *

This chapter was a tag to episode 193: the last episode of the Desperate Revival story-arc. I've always found those scenes with Haibara and Shinichi and later with Shinichi and Ran so sad. Shinichi's desperation is so raw and tangible in those moments.

I hope you enjoyed this small story!

All the mistakes are mine.


	19. Chapter 19: Space

**Going Through the Motions - Space**

* * *

The small lab was dark, silent, and empty. Shinichi sighed, pulling the door shut behind him, turning around and trudging back up the stairs, thoughts roaming through his mind without an end, a hand sliding in his pocket feeling for the coins.

_I've probably enough change._

**000**

She'd been sitting on the uncomfortable bench for a while, staring ahead with unseeing eyes, thoughts going in circles, ideas floating through her mind. Unconsciously her hand tugged at the hood pulled over her head.

The night air was pleasant and mild against her skin. She breathed in the scent and closed her eyes for a moment, taking in the welcoming silence.

A sound. She turned. Then her eyes found the familiar and small form, standing a few meters away from her. Haibara rolled her eyes. "What are you doing here?" She tugged a little harder at her hood, biting the inside of her cheek for a moment. She didn't feel up to having company right now. And that's why she had come here; a lonely bench at a deserted playground, away from the lab that sometimes felt just too suffocating.

A shrug of shoulders answered her. "Nothing much." He came forward, hopping on the bench beside her and handing her a can. "Soda." And Haibara stared at him before taking the soft drink from him. The coolness felt good against the warmth of her palm.

They sat together in silence.

"How did you know I was here?" She broke the quiet at last, and Haibara set her now empty can next to her on the wooden bench.

"I'm a detective, remember."

A flash of a cheeky grin and Haibara wished she hadn't asked, groaning inwardly. Because, _of course._

"Heh." She hopped off the bench, turning around to look up at her companion. "Of course, I shouldn't have asked."

Another grin. And Haibara grabbed the empty can and turned around, ready to trudge back. Ready to get back to work.

"Hey, Haibara?"

"Mh. What?" She stopped, turning around once more.

He scratched his cheek. "You feeling better?"

She stared and arched an eyebrow, but he kept looking at her, face serious, and she let out a sigh, shoulders slumping a bit. "Yeah. I just—" she made a non-committal gesture. "Between the work and having the kids over, it's just—"

"—a bit smothering, eh." He finished for her. And Haibara nodded.

Shinichi hopped off the bench too and walked up to her. "I understand." He rubbed the back of his head with a hand. "To be honest, when I feel overwhelmed sometimes, I come here too." He glanced around. "It's a nice spot, and quiet too."

She looked at him for a short moment, hummed and turned away, gazing at the line of lights of the cars far below them.

"Yeah, it is." She breathed.

**000**

The rain had soaked him to the bone, his drenched shirt and jeans clinging uncomfortably to his skin. Not that he worried about that at the moment. He let his head fall back against the backrest and swiped some strands of hair out of his face, staring at the pale sky above him visible between the lush canopy of the trees, which gave him at least some coverage against the downpour.

Today, it had exactly been a year since that fateful day.

_One year._

_Twelve months._

_twenty-five weeks_

_356 days._

_8765.82 hours._

_525 948.766 minutes._

_31 556 926 seconds._

It was such a long time—too long—to be chasing after the ones that did this to him in this ridiculous small body that was holding him captive. All the while trying to keep everyone around him safe.

All the while making _her_ wait.

God, he was so tired.

"Kudo-kun."

He somewhat rose at the sound of his name.

Haibara was standing a few meters away, umbrella in one hand, sheltering herself against the rain and frowning. She soon came forward until she was standing directly before him. He let out a breath. "What is it, Haibara."

She gave him one of her stares that probably meant she thought he was an idiot. "You're sitting here soaking in the rain. A new hobby of yours?"

A shrug if shoulders answered her. "Perhaps."

"Kudo-kun..."

He felt a spark of irritation. "I'm just tired, okay? Ran was out, Kogoro was his annoying self, and that means drunk and complaining about something, and the kids were over at the professor's place, and I just.." He waved a hand, face collapsing a little. "I just... I don't know, needed some space." He closed his eyes.

_A beat._

"Come inside. I have already sent the children home."

He opened his eyes again. "You have?"

Haibara rubbed at her cheek. "I guess I felt more tired than I had thought." Her shoulders dropped an inch, a sigh leaving her. "It's been a long few months, after all."

**000**

_"Here. Drink up."_

_She looked up for the book she'd been studying. A steaming hot mug was standing before her on the table._

_She looked at her side and caught the flash of a grin._

_And Haibara smiled softly, stiff fingers wrapping around the warmth._

_"Thanks, Kudo-kun."_


	20. Chapter 20: Oi, Kudo

**Going Through the Motions - Oi, Kudo**

* * *

He knew it was coming. There was just no way it wouldn't this time. And yes, that was because it happened _every._ _damn._ _time_. Honestly, who would have thought that _that_ could be one of the many problems he would be facing after shrinking. Even as he hoped—_prayed_ to whatever or whoever was listening that it would not occur this time. But—

_But—_

The door opens, and he braces himself.

"**OI, KUDO**—" next, the figure stiffens in realization just in time _(well thank fuck)_, instantly attempting to cover up his error—for what could be like the millionth time _(not that Shinichi keeps track, he has better things to do, thank you very much)._

_(Does that idiot never learn?)._

And Shinichi slams his fist down on the table he's seated at, the other people in the room looking up startled from the documents they had been studying furiously, which contained the possible clues about the crime that had occurred only mere hours ago just outside the building.

(They are lucky he didn't use his face).

Somewhere behind him, he hears Ran whisper softly his name, surprise in her voice. Shinichi doesn't turn to look behind him, because enough is enough. Even he has his limits.

They need to talk. Now.

So he jumps off the chair _(the damned height of the thing—or maybe he should blame his unbelievably short legs for that one. Ha)_, and stalks toward the door, gripping fistfuls of Hattori's jacket and dragging him along with more force than probably is necessary. He doesn't respond to the surprised yelp his friend lets out.

He has enough for now—or maybe for the week _(the days were pilling up, after all, going on and on without a possible end to this misery of not able to reach the damn door handle, __fruit juices__, and scolding speeches)._ He has enough—including this ridiculous case _(mayonnaise as the possible murder weapon? They got more creative every day)._ But at least there's Hattori's guilty expression that makes it all a little more tolerable _(he should honestly have taken a picture of that priceless sight—maybe __frame it, perhaps__ hang it on the wall of his room)._

_Who knew, could be fun._

* * *

A bit of a crackfic, because I write mostly sad stuff.


	21. Chapter 21: Chocolate

**Going Through the Motions - Chocolate**

* * *

He sighed, wiping a hand across his forehead, shirt sticky with sweat. He was currently sitting on the windowsill, letting the slightly mild breeze ruffle his bangs. The sun was setting, painting the sky fiery red and orange, crickets were chirping in the tall grasses around the house. The last few days had been hot. Too hot for Shinichi's liking. The air-cooler_ (which had been a device from the professor)_ had broken that afternoon. So presently, they were stuck in the sweltering house_ (albeit being it a bit less hot than outside)_. Now that the wind began to blow a bit _(finally!),_ Shinichi had settled himself on the windowsill, craving the cooling. Despite his grumbling about the heat, the sky amidst the setting sun was a beautiful sight.

He turned and grabbed a cookie from the box, which was standing next to his bottle of water _(that also contained ice cubes!)_. _But—_ he scowled when he found the chocolate layer immediately melt under his fingertips. Leaving them sticky and it gave him no other choice than to lick them clean _(he so did not want to get up and get a paper towel, it was just too hot for that, and why had he not thought about the chocolate melting in this weather? Geez...)._

"Well, you look happy. What's with that gloomy face."

Haibara had come up next to him, leaning on the windowsill, nursing a mug which Shinichi assumed was coffee. He shrugged, giving her an annoyed look. "I can't even eat a damn cookie in this weather." At that, she raised an eyebrow. Haibara took a sip of her mug. "It's chocolate. It generally has a melting point around 30 degrees Celcius."

He glowered, even more, annoyed now. "I know that!" And now it was Haibara's turn to shrug. And she pushed back from the windowsill, empty mug in one hand, taking a cookie with the other, leaving one particularly sweaty and disgruntled detective behind sitting on the windowsill.

The chocolate instantly covered her fingers. But she did not really mind. The flavor was sweet and rich. She did not really like sweet things, but with this weather, it was not so bad, she found.

* * *

Well, I tried to eat a chocolate cookie in the sweltering weather and that's how this fic was born lol.


End file.
